Sit back, grab a coffee and a cookie. Your Humble Narrator and True Friend has a bone to pick. And I intend to pick it. With apologies to the immortal, late Peter Finch, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Ever since the advent of the Internet as a mass communication device – your personal computers are truly nothing more than just another piece of talking furniture, really – the delicate art of introduction and the refined dance that is courtship seems to have been completely ignored. If not, dare I say it – completely destroyed.

In essence, what I am suggesting here … is just what the hell is wrong with some of you people?

Tell me true, because I would really like to know: Do any of you (man and woman alike) truly believe that you’re going to find the “person of your dreams and wet nightmares” by merely sending a letter (email) to someone you admire (on any number of SM-related contact sites) that contains the awe-inspiring phrase, “Hi. How are you?” and nothing more?

Please, before the abject tension slays me beyond redemption, relate to me exactly how the phrase “Nice boots, I want to lick them for you!” or something equally pithy and condensed could possibly describe anything remotely interesting about you – other than the fact that you happen to like depositing your drool upon booted feet?

I implore you: Kindly dictate for me exactly why the phrase “U R so hotttt lets do it” should ever deign to inspire the intended object of your lust and desire to slam the palm of his or her hand into their respective foreheads and shout to the heavens for all the choir of horny angels to rejoice together in a moment of crystal, unholy clarity: “Finally! Someone who understands me! I’ve waited my whole adult life for just such a staggeringly intelligent petition!”

With all due respect to all those who value brevity as some sort of badge of communicative honor, I must scratch my head and truly wonder aloud: Does any of these kinds of condensed approaches truly work for you? Sure, I get it – if there are accompanying photographs with any number of well-written profiles (across a plethora of websites designed to bring people of a like-mind together), you’d be inclined to want to write … something … in an effort to pay your respects and show your intended devotions. But do you really think you’re going to properly and thoroughly engage a Dominant or submissive in the reciprocation of interest with such banal nonsense?

More and more, I have been agitated by “letters of introduction” that consist of nothing more than a single line, and more often than not written in the “New Condensed English” where single vowels movements and consonants take the place of entirely written words. Is it truly that difficult to spell out entire words for some of you? Is the word you that difficult to type? Are you collectively in such a hurry to make first contact that you can’t find the y and o to accompany the vowel u on your keyboards?

Granted – as a sadistic, Dominant male in this Life I certainly do not receive anywhere near the amount of these kinds of “introductory petitions” in the way that I am quite certain Dominant (or submissive, for that matter) females certainly have to contend with. Perhaps the “shotgun” approach may work: perhaps by sending out hundreds of these kinds of emails to a seemingly unending supply of appropriately-minded folk may actually work once in a metaphorical blue moon. Perhaps … but I’m willing to wager big money the enthusiastic response rate is nothing in comparison to the sheer volumes of these kinds of insipid attempts at engagement that most assuredly clutter the various webpages across the Internet. Perhaps the inclusion of sensual, suggestive and appropriately themed photographs may lead to a positive response in such instances: but I’m entirely convinced the vast amount of these kinds of severely curtailed and edited attempts end up consigned exactly where they belong. That is to say, given a cursory glance, and deleted into millions of Recycle bins without ever having a hope of a reply.

Speaking of photographs: Could someone, anyone, please explain to me why including nothing more than a stark camera shot of your “nether bits” (either displayed on a profile or included within the maddeningly short initial correspondence) could possibly hope to illicit any kind of enthusiastic reply? Please explain further to me exactly why a fuzzy camera shot of your private parts could possibly be more interesting to a potential mate, or play mate, than a well-taken representative face or full-body photo? As my beloved Lady J once said, after receiving yet another in a long long line of “rooster shots” from an aspiring admirer and supplicant, ‘That’s nice. I wonder how I’m supposed to recognize him in a coffee shop?”

I strongly suggest that the multitudes of you out there who are either too busy … too uneducated … or, as I suspect, simply too lazy … to have the desire to craft proper letters of introduction to those women and men that truly inspire you to want to communicate with them in the first place: Take the time to write at least something somewhat revealing and interesting about yourselves. I firmly believe that will go a long, long way into opening the desired doors of two-way communication with those whom you’d like to spend some appropriate time with. Quality time in making an initial effort can – and does – usually result in quality time exploring the mutual interests you may wish to share with a new, potential partner.

I mean, could you imagine how uninteresting our world would be if Ludwig Van Beethoven, one of the great love-letter writers in all of recorded history, had sent simple notes to his long-pined for intended that merely said, “Hey baby, love the corsets! Let’s bang ‘trebles and clefs’ until I can’t hear anything, anymore!”

In the meantime, Enjoy your coffee and your cookie.

Have a Great Time and at the MARQUIS FETISH BALL Everyone!